


When The Light Flickered Out

by DevynGreenwood



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Heavy Angst, Intersex Loki, M/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:26:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5993146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevynGreenwood/pseuds/DevynGreenwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Loki are happier than ever as they prepare for a child, but Loki miscarries and Tony feels as if he has lost both their child and his lover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When The Light Flickered Out

Sunshine-yellow curtains framed sizable windows, sharing the color with the soft rug on the floor. Even the bedding of the crib was a dandelion yellow that matched the sunlight streaming in. Loki had insisted on green, but Tony persuaded that yellow was a cheerful color sure to brighten up the room. Loki reluctantly agreed, but bugged Tony about it so much that the mechanic let him add a green accent wall.

Loki was unfolding and folding tiny clothes into the nursery's dresser. He smiled as he ran his fingers along colorful stitching, soft fleece, and little footsie pajamas. He could imagine what his little girl would look like, or at least what he wanted her to look like. Inky black hair to match his own, chocolate brown eyes like her father, soft skin, and an adorable smile. He didn't know if the baby would actually be a girl, but for now, she felt like a girl to him. It was a sense he had that was impossible to put into words.

When Loki started his routine of unfolding and folding the little clothes, Tony thought he was feeling scared. However, he saw how happy it made the god and decided to leave him alone about it. Now, as Tony relaxed on the couch, he couldn't help but smile. Loki was going to be a wonderful mother, though he would've never said the same in New York. He wouldn't have said the word 'mother' at all in reference to Loki, to be exact. It was still only several months ago that he discovered his lover was intersex. Loki said all Jotnar had that same trait, and though Tony was far from understanding frost giants completely, he accepted it without question.

Loki came down so quietly that Tony startled when the god spoke.

"You were right, it's very happy in the nursery with all the yellow," Loki admitted with a soft smile. "I just hope that..."

Loki's smile faded as he trailed off, and Tony's brow creased.

"That what?" Tony asked quietly.

"I just hope that I won't lose her," Loki said, his volume matching Tony's.

"What do you mean lose her?" Tony replied, though he knew perfectly well what Loki meant. "Lo, when did you lose a child?"

"I was with another man in Asgard, before I met you. I didn't know that I was Jotun for a very long time, but I learned I was able to conceive a child when I was an adolescent. I wasn't with him when I was that age, don't worry. It was about two years before Thor's attempted coronation. He was the only one who accepted all of my body when I showed it to him. He wanted to have a child with me, and I knew it'd be scandalous but I was too lovesick to think straight. We were going to have a baby boy, I had everything planned, and then in the second month..."

Loki trailed off again and choked out a sob. Tony wrapped his arms around him and held him tight.

"Shhhh, it's okay, that won't happen this time," Tony assured him. All the color had left his face, but he held Loki until the god had calmed down.

"It will be okay," he said, and Loki nodded.

*******************************************

After a month, Loki's anxiety about losing the baby got considerably better. It was three months, after all, longer than his last pregnancy lasted. As glad as he was, hormones were raging through his body. He had a vicious cycle going - upset, aroused, angry, worried. Those four moods repeated over and over in no particular order.

Tony tried his best to make Loki's pregnancy easier, but the god was absolutely hellish when with child. He didn't have cravings for pickles and ice cream - no, he had to crave wild elk and boar meat, and fruits native to Asgard. He thought of himself as hideous and fat no matter what Tony said, and he would sometimes yell at the mechanic for no good reason. He loved Loki - he really did - but there is only so much one can take.

Miraculously, Loki became very relaxed and agreeable in the second week of the third month. The yelling stopped, the cravings had come down to easy things like strawberries, and he didn't seem to mind his body as much. For the first time in what felt like forever, Tony could hold a calm conversation with Loki.

Everything seemed to be going _too_ well.

At the third week of Loki's third month, Tony thought Loki was going to carry his baby girl for a full term. That is, until he heard shouting and crying from the bathroom.

"No, no, no! It's too early!" Loki cried. "Please, no!"

Tony felt as if his heart stopped. He rushed to the restroom and found Loki inside, covered in blood.

Bright red blood was all over Loki's legs and the floor. There were near-black clots of it scattered throughout the red. Tony realized that the clots were tissue. There was a clump of tissue bigger than the rest - a tiny fetus, not large enough to look like an infant but large enough to be identifiable.

The mechanic vomited into the sink. When he was done retching, he looked at Loki.

Loki looked so _broken_ that it tore Tony apart inside. He was crying silently, signaling that he couldn't stop. When he saw what had been growing inside of him, though, he went back to sobbing and shouting.

"M-my baby!" he exclaimed, picking it up and holding it in cupped hands. "Not her! Why? Why did this happen?! What kind of world does this?!"

"I'm so sorry," Tony said, about to cry himself. "Loki, I'm so sorry."

Tony held his lover tight, letting the bloodied god sob into his shoulder. He cried for what seemed like hours until his throat was so strained he couldn't. Tony ended up crying as well.

After Tony had cleaned up the blood, the room still reeked of it. He vowed to get it properly cleaned later. Later, he brought Loki outside and took him to a pond. It wasn't as good as a lake for it, but he constructed a funeral pyre. He mourned with Loki as the little wooden boat he hurriedly made floated off in flames.

The next few days afterward, Loki didn't come out of his room at all, not even to eat. Tony didn't know much about mental health issues, but he swore Loki had gone catatonic. The god just stared off into space. Rigid body. Glazed eyes. Broken heart.

A week passed and Tony had no choice but to feed Loki and give him water. He didn't know how to bathe him since the god's body was so stiff.

The next week, Tony had enough.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he demanded, starting to cry. He had been much more tearful over the past couple weeks than in his whole life. "I get it, you lost her. But I lost her too, and now I've lost you! You don't do anything anymore. You just stare off, and I have to take care of you like you're a vegetable! I-I can't believe this. I can't believe you!"

For the first time in many days, sound came out of Loki's mouth.

"I'm sorry," Loki managed to say.

Just as quickly as the light in Loki's eyes went on, it flickered out.


End file.
